Owners Guide to Thorn
by melliyna
Summary: An Owners Guide to our favourite Dainnan (Spoilers for those who haven't read the whole trilogy)


**Title: **Owners Guide To Thorn

**Category: **Parody/Humour

**Rating: **PG – 13

**Summary/Notes: **Inspired by Theresa Greens wonderful Lord of the Rings Owners Guide. I merely walk in her shadow with my efforts. Also thankyou to Cecilia Dart – Thornton for the creation of such a brilliant and wonderful trilogy. (Final Warning - spoilers if you have not read the entire trilogy are contained herein)

**Reviews: **melli1600yahoo.com. All comments gratefully received and all criticism accepted in view of improving my writing.

CONGRATULATIONS CUSTOMER

You are now the proud owner of a THORN model. Please see the inclosed instruction manual for full details of operating procedures that will allow you to use your THORN model to its full operational capacity.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Thorn (Angavar, King Emperor James of Erith and other titles)

Type: Faeran Male

Manufactures: This information is protected under the _Mystery of the Faeran Act: Part II subsections B_. If it was released it might led to unregulated THORN manufactures.

Date of Production: See above protection notice

Height: 6 foot 5 in human terms

Weight: Unspecified but not fat

INSTALLATION

WARNING

The installation of your THORN model can be a fatal procedure if instructions are not followed correctly. Make sure you read thoroughly before removing THORN from crate. (Melli Enterprises cannot be held responsible for any subsequent fatalities if you do not heed this warning.)

(1) First obtain following items from our accessory catalogue:

Mysterious Faeran Powers Neutralising Device

             Horn

             Garter

             Sword with which to cut garter (or a pair of scissors could be substituted)

(2) Fill the room with plants, landscape paintings and wondrous pieces of craftsmanship to make your THORN model feel more at home

(3) Carefully remove lid of crate. Your THORN model should be in the Pendur Sleep but not for long. Quickly attach Mysterious Faeran Powers Neutralising DeviceÔ (MFPND) to wrist.

(4) Then lay out the garter, sword or scissors and horn on nearby solid surface and take the following steps: (a) cut garter with sword, (b) blow horn. This will awaken your THORN model. Failure to either (a) follow these steps in the correct order or (b) failure to complete both these tasks will result in a painful death

(5) It is recommended you give your THORN model a long bath. Although you THORN model may not need one it is necessary to make sure that you will be getting value for your money.

ACCESSORIES AND COSTUMES

(6) Your THORN model comes with a range of accessories and costumes all free of charge. Although clothing is an optional extra if you wish you can clothe your THORN in a wide range of fashionable items that are listed below:

Humble Dainnan Travelling Model

King Emperor Purple Velvet (A fuller range of King Emperor clothing is available by mail order or phoning our toll free number 1800 – MELLI ENTERPRISES)

King Emperor Armour with Skyhorse

Faeran King Robes

(6B) Your THORN also comes with a wide range of useful accessories:

(a) Bow and Quiver

(b) Knife

(c) Dainnan Cloak

(d) Vial of Dragons Blood

(e) Golden leaf ring with mysterious powers of protection

(f) Faeran Sword Arcturus

(g) Goshawk

(h) Skyhorse

(i) Land Horse

(j) Three Strands of golden hair made into a ring

Under no circumstances should you try to part your THORN model with items (f) and (j) or serious consequences will result. (See TROUBLESHOOTING for more information).

Items (g) through to (i) can be purchased separately through the Accessories catalogue.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

You almost certainly have your own plan for the services that your THORN model will provide and the location and method of these services. (fast and furious, slow, in the backyard, with handcuffs etc). But did you know that your THORN model has a variety of uses without causing another relationship breakdown? For example…

Expedition Leader:

Your THORN model would be an excellent guide for any scouting or bushwalking group. With his thorough knowledge of the wilderness and incredible powers when in ANGAVAR mode you'll never be troubled by bad weather again!

Doctor:

Your THORN model has amazing healing powers and extraordinary medical knowledge if used with the right supervision and controls. Use you THORN model in this capacity and you'll never need to pay another medical bill

Singing and Dancing Instructor:

With a wonderful voice and natural sense of rhythm and grace your THORN model would make an excellent addition to any dancing or singing group or class. 

Political Leader:

Excellent at governance and wiser than any mortal your THORN will help you trump your friends in arguments or become leader of your country. The choice is yours to make

Teacher:

With such a wide range of skills and talents your THORN could save you thousands of dollars in school fees and provide a much more rounded education to your children than they are presently receiving

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Your THORN model has a high degree of compatibility with most other models although you should always exercise caution as if he gets annoyed he can be a serious danger to other models.

NOTE Your THORN model may be known by different names by different models at differing times. A list is provided for your convenience:

DIARMID: Sir Thorn  
MUIRNE: Handsome Dainnan

MORRAGAN: Brother, Idiot, Smelly Feet etc

ASHALIND: Thorn, James, Angavar, Beloved, Hot stuff, Sexy guy etc ( WARNING Contact with an ASHALIND model will result in inability for the THORN model to perform certain aspects of the models operational capacity with anyone else)

EDWARD: Dad, Sire

TRUE THOMAS: Maaate!!!!

SILKEN JANET: Thane Handsome Dainan, Sir Thorn

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q. What should I feed my THORN?

A. Your THORN is a vegetarian. Feeding him meat would severely offend him.

Q. Is it possible to breed from my THORN unit?

A. Yes by purchasing an ASHALIND model (see BREEDING MODELS pamphlet for full instructions on this procedure.

Q: Can I buy another THORN model?  
A. No. Due to the popularity of the THORN model only one per household is permitted under current regulations.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My THORN model has run into an exquisitely beautiful woman at the local fencing centre and is now mooning around the house writing bad love poetry. What do I do?

Solution: You obviously haven't fully read the Owners Guide. Your THORN has met an ASHALIND model and has contacted TRUE LOVE. There is nothing you can do about this except grit your teeth and realise that you are powerless in this situation.

Problem: My THORN model seems to have acquired an unreasonable hatred for mortals and is associating with unsavoury characters down at the local bar. What is going on?

Solution: You seem to have acquired a MORRAGAN model by mistake. On the other hand you have acquired a Morragan model!! Stop complaining!

FINAL NOTES – GUARANTEE

Subject to strict guidelines. See copyright notice at back of catalogue for full details


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